I am a PhD scholar. This means that I am in a constant state of anxiety and guilt. Pouring my thoughts here aggravates that guilt because these thoughts have nothing to do with my thesis. This is about marriage. Having recently turned 31 and graduating to the social position of a Senior Bachelor (unlike other senior positions, this promotion grants a higher level of ostracization) I have a lot to say. Those happily (or sadly) married might disagree with what I have to say. I won't say everything here but express a handful of moorings. For what it is worth, these are just rants, not canonical truths (just pretending to be humble; yehi sab sach h!).
The search for a companion could proceed in broadly two ways: on your own, or search by parents. The first is (usually) a rather relaxed subconscious search, whereas the latter is a more fast-tracked intentional browsing. The first has no method (and is therefore deemed 'mad' by social conventions), while the second's method is a manifestation of human madness. There are many other differences, but as no marks have been allotted, I will not continue noting them down. These two should suffice for this piece. There is a common ground as well - both suppose that 'just anyone' would not do; a search is required for a specific someone.
A failure faced in the first process inadvertently provokes the parents to initiate the second one. If you have crossed 27 years of existence by this time, you will witness a blitzkrieg in your life. Their tenacity increases with desperation, which, in turn, is directly proportional to your increasing age. I will not initiate a direct attack on parents here. If I were 60, I would not like to be bothered by any socially mandated duty to find mates for my offsprings. So, I have compassion for their condition, but no empathy (iske chakkar me apni receipt thori na kaat denge)! But I do have two points of interjection here: a) one instance of wrong identification in the first process does not issue a license against a person's self-determination, and b) the parameters of search in the second process are all meaningless! I will concentrate on the first interjection some other time (or maybe not at all). Now, let's turn to my second point of interjection.
The worthless meaningless parameters: These are the usual suspects (works for both sides or either)- caste, hierarchy within caste, regional belongingness, direction of the said region from home, level of acceptability of the person who brought the two families into connect, property, siblings (number and types thereof - helps in ascertaining future claims over property), family prestige, earning capacity of the groom (with progressive societies - even the bride (though, not for progressive reasons)) and the brilliance of the social image that the confluence would eventually create. Then there are other factors as well - important but open to concessions - level of fairness, follicular density, general appearance, criminal antecedents, ill-habits, etc. Neither have I mentioned everything on their charts, nor do I state that all the factors are always assessed (jo dikh jaaye 'assess' kr lo). It would be easier to understand them as grounds of justification. The will to organize a heavily expensive party speeds up the process, and the desperation decides at what level the choice would be justified. It is the wedding, and not the marriage that stands at the center of the entire enterprise. Others must know that the offspring has been married off, and the duty has been fulfilled. Nothing more, nothing less. This is evidenced in the lifetime performance delivered by both the sides in the time that leads up to the wedding. The market of lies goes high, and both the sides engage in trade of trickery and deception. What a fantastic beginning! You do not need to go through your own case for gaining this knowledge. A large extended family serves as the best school of life. In all this 'nautanki' the real questions are never asked. Rather, the very setup of beginning an interaction with the sole purpose of seeking a union itself demolishes the scope for any honesty. The search for a companion is reduced to a search for a trophy which can be awarded in a splendid scenery followed by a marvelous procession of parading it around.
The need for a companion in life is hard to deny. A constant human home of sorts with whom to share one's life would be a blessing: A secret-keeper and north-star - an inspiration for greatness, a promised embrace through hardships, and a friend through thick and thin. Finding a fellow traveler, when reduced to a mere social convention, becomes a burden (whether you attempt to search on your own or otherwise). It makes sense to find your companion on your own - find where the will to accommodate and adjust defeats hard habits, where the ego falls and becomes ready even to be vulnerable and weak, where truth finds comfort, and where moments of togetherness are all cherished!
PS: This sudden piece is a result of the author attempting to chase a lizard out of his apartment for around 2 hours, breaking down, and wishing that he had someone with whom to share the moments of terror!